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Tactical Shovel

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{{Infobox_item|title = Tactical Shovel|imagecaption = The Tactical Shovel, with all of it's smaller components shown next to it.|type = Shovel|effects = Shovelness|source = Cracks|buy = $190.99|sell = Whatever, just choose something reasonable}}''"This is a tactical shovel. And if you don't know what a tactical shovel is, buckle up. Because I'm about to learn ya'll about tactical shovels! This is a work of art. You think about art, now shut up about that. Think about '''shovels'''. Man has been using shovels to do pretty much anything since the dawn of time. And this is my baby. This is um uh... '''*what should I name my shovel?!* ... *Amy?!* '''This is Becky. And Becky is a tremendous tool with a million uses. Now I will get back to the ice cream real quick. Don't think that this is a video tricking you. It ain't no clickbait. This is important because I bought this because it has a million and one uses. Do you know what a million and one uses means? That means it can do... about sixteen different things. So, it's a shovel... duh. It's a shovel. It can shovel things. As in shovel ice cream into my mouth. It can also... '''*Unscrews shovel to reveal harpoon*''' ... '''kill people!''' This is a harpoon. Now when I said tactical shovel I meant '''tactical shovel. '''You can use it for tactics. Like fishing. Or hunting. '''Or harpooning.''' And when you take it into harpoon mode, it's still a shovel! It's still got the shovel part of it! That's so cool! And this isn't even just a shovel. It's also a blade, 'cause it's sharp. And it's sharp here too so it's an ax. So you can '''dig''' as you '''chop'''. And then '''cut '''when you're done digging. And then you can '''chop out the heart. '''And then you can '''dig out the spleen'''. And then you can '''slice it into fine ribbons... '''after you're done hunting. I'm not gonna discriminate on what you'll be hunting with this. I said it had a million and one uses. I came up with a million. '''You can come up with one.''' So imagine with your brain, that you're on the Serengeti plains. The Plains of Serengeti. Serengeti. And you're in the woods... of Serengeti. And you're being stalked by something slunking its way through the brush. You can hear it behind you. You can hear it around every corner. Oh, it thinks you're it's prey but '''no. '''You whip out... right from your crack... your tactical shovel. And yes, it can do anything. So, not only are you being stalked by this, but it's getting cold. The night air is blowing across your nips. And you need fire. So what do you do? '''*Unscrews tactical shovel to reveal whistle* *tweet tweet* '''I'm not gonna die to you! You settle in for the night because the whistle blast obviously terrified the creature. But then, '''*Unscrews tactical shovel to reveal fire striker*''' you pull out this. '''*Unscrews tactical shovel to reveal knife* '''So then you pull out your knife because it's dark. It's night. It's cold. You need... '''*strikes fire striker* '''you need '''fire! *Continues making sparks for a while* '''Heh heh. This is not a toy. I am a professional. I'm no exactly what I'm doing. LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALKING PLEASE. Okay so, you've got your knife, you've got your fire. You're no longer cold and it's no longer night. Because you've got light from the fire. So now, the creature makes its move. But you've already chopped down the entire nearby forest creating traps of various sizes and utility around your camp. You've put torches around a hundred square meter perimeter around your base. Nothing can approach without you knowing about it because you've also set tripwires from strands of vines that you've '''cut '''and '''sliced''' with the knife-edge and the ax-edge. And then you've '''dug...''' a poop hole. For which you can poop in. Without having to go into the woods and worry about being ambushed with your pants down. It is the utility shovel. It is incredible, and I don't need to justify why I bought this to anybody. I am making this declaration that this is a useful tool to survive in all those survival situations that I find my self in '''every day'''. And it is not a waste of money. It is very useful. '''And the million and oneth''' '''use of it is to try ice cream!'''''
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''"This is a tactical shovel. And if you don't know what a tactical shovel is, buckle up. Because I'm about to learn ya'll about tactical shovels! This is a work of art. You think about art, now shut up about that. Think about '''shovels'''. Man has been using shovels to do pretty much anything since the dawn of time. And this is my baby. This is um uh... '''*what should I name my shovel?!* ... *Amy?!* '''This is Becky. And Becky is a tremendous tool with a million uses. Now I will get back to the ice cream real quick. Don't think that this is a video tricking you. It ain't no clickbait. This is important because I bought this because it has a million and one uses. Do you know what a million and one uses means? That means it can do... about sixteen different things. So, it's a shovel... duh. It's a shovel. It can shovel things. As in shovel ice cream into my mouth. It can also... '''*Unscrews shovel to reveal harpoon*''' ... '''kill people!''' This is a harpoon. Now when I said tactical shovel I meant '''tactical shovel. '''You can use it for tactics. Like fishing. Or hunting. '''Or harpooning.''' And when you take it into harpoon mode, it's still a shovel! It's still got the shovel part of it! That's so cool! And this isn't even just a shovel. It's also a blade, 'cause it's sharp. And it's sharp here too so it's an ax. So you can '''dig''' as you '''chop'''. And then '''cut '''when you're done digging. And then you can '''chop out the heart. '''And then you can '''dig out the spleen'''. And then you can '''slice it into fine ribbons... '''after you're done hunting. I'm not gonna discriminate on what you'll be hunting with this. I said it had a million and one uses. I came up with a million. '''You can come up with one.''' So imagine with your brain, that you're on the Serengeti plains. The Plains of Serengeti. Serengeti. And you're in the woods... of Serengeti. And you're being stalked by something slunking its way through the brush. You can hear it behind you. You can hear it around every corner. Oh, it thinks you're it's prey but '''no. '''You whip out... right from your crack... your tactical shovel. And yes, it can do anything. So, not only are you being stalked by this, but it's getting cold. The night air is blowing across your nips. And you need fire. So what do you do? '''*Unscrews tactical shovel to reveal whistle* *tweet tweet* '''I'm not gonna die to you! You settle in for the night because the whistle blast obviously terrified the creature. But then, '''*Unscrews tactical shovel to reveal fire striker*''' you pull out this. '''*Unscrews tactical shovel to reveal knife* '''So then you pull out your knife because it's dark. It's night. It's cold. You need... '''*strikes fire striker* '''you need '''fire! *Continues making sparks for a while* '''Heh heh. This is not a toy. I am a professional. I'm no exactly what I'm doing. LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALKING PLEASE. Okay so, you've got your knife, you've got your fire. You're no longer cold and it's no longer night. Because you've got light from the fire. So now, the creature makes its move. But you've already chopped down the entire nearby forest creating traps of various sizes and utility around your camp. You've put torches around a hundred square meter perimeter around your base. Nothing can approach without you knowing about it because you've also set tripwires from strands of vines that you've '''cut '''and '''sliced''' with the knife-edge and the ax-edge. And then you've '''dug...''' a poop hole. For which you can poop in. Without having to go into the woods and worry about being ambushed with your pants down. It is the utility shovel. It is incredible, and I don't need to justify why I bought this to anybody. I am making this declaration that this is a useful tool to survive in all those survival situations that I find my self in '''every day'''. And it is not a waste of money. It is very useful. '''And the million and oneth''' '''use of it is to try ice cream!'''''
 
''-Markiplier, 2019''
 
''-Markiplier, 2019''
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